Saturday. The Wedding.

Reception was pretty. But most are the same, so there's no importance there.  Good thing my cousin was there.  Let's call her Bridget.  She is 25, and has never really been great with the guys. very shy, but amazing, and i wish she could have a little bit more confidence.  Anyway, so we walk into cocktail hour and it's filled with lots of older people, and its hard to pick out the younger ones.  Scanning the room there are a few that catch my eye. More importantly these adorable gay couple that are smoking outside with the brother of the bride.  One is wearing silver Converse and the other was wearing Dolce & Gabbana sneakers. they were so cute, and gay couples make me happy.  I walk outside to say hi to BB (brother of the bride).  I will play the girl card...

me: does anyone have a lighter? i couldn't fit one in my stupid bag.

bb: obviously. thats what guys are for my friend.

The conversation continued about how i know the bride, blah, blah, blah.  I finish my cigarette, and make my way inside to continue my lap around the room.  So far, no good.  After the longest cocktail hour of my life, the curtains finally open and the big room is unveiled, and we are all directed to make our way into there.  I was supposed to be at a table with both cousins and BB, but apparently not the case.  Bridget and I were at the corner table # 9.  We went to put our bags down, and I was taking my shoes off, when a guy walked up.  OH NO. I hoped our whole table was not like him, he was much older. (later we found out he was slow) but in any case, I got nervous.  Then I saw two guys make their way over to our table.  They introduced themselves, and we will call them Z and J.  But more focus on Z.  I would leave J for my cousin Bridget.  There was music playing, but not what i wanted to hear.  We all talked about holidays, who knew who, and how lame our table was.  I needed another drink.  Champagne please! This would be glass number 4, it was kicking in.  We all were invited to surround the dance floor, for some speech. We got up.  I like to be cute, so a little nudge here and there, just to let him know I am interested.  A smirk and a giggle.  We stand and clap, hes looking at me.  Keep giggling.  I tell him how much I adore his suspenders, but they don't match his tie.  He takes my hand and we make our way onto the dance floor.  For the record: wedding dancing is so lame.  But i danced and danced and danced.  My hand always had a full glass of champagne.  I was on number 9 at this point.  As the night went on I was liking this  Z person more and more.  He had gone to high school with BB, so I knew he was a tad older than me.  We continued to dance the night away and smile and laugh.  Every now and then I would pull him in by his tie.  We walked out off the main room back into the cocktail room and went to get some more drinks.  A glass of champagne for me, something strong for him.  He looked at me.  Smile.  Kiss. 

This was the kiss I had been looking for, a short yet sweet perfect kiss.  I haven't been kissed like that in a long time.  Smile and walk away.  Make him want it.  He walked after me, put his arm around me.  We went back to the dance floor.  What time was it?  It was 1:30AM.  The mystery L train boy had called me about 5 times.  Oops.  Shows how much I liked him.  I like new. Z was new.  L train was yesterday. I live in the now, and Z was now.  We danced.  He disapeared  for a few minutes.  Uh Oh here comes the mom.  

mom: im leaving.

me: im staying

mom: im giving 20 bucks to cousin for cab money

me: thanks. see you later or something.

In hindsight, I should have just told her that i was staying at Flo's house.  But I didn't.  And it would kick me in the butt tomorrow morning.  That makes two nights in a row of me being a no show.  

Anyway. My mom was gone, the coast was now clear.  The big room was empty and we had moved back into the cocktail room where a new DJ was playing amazing music.  That boy made me night with all of those tunes.  The band was cool too, but my heart will always be with a DJ.  I feel a tap on the shoulder, Bridget just told me that my other cousin's pants had split open and he left.  There goes my twenty books.  I finished my 13th glass of champagne grabbed my shoes and Z ran outside to grab him.  Too late he was gone already.  I looked at him.  Eye contact.  smile.  there were no words.  He carried my shoes, and i put my arm through his and we began to walk.  Only a few blocks he said.  I was wasted, it didn't really matter.  He told me I was a trooper for walking barefoot the whole way.  That was the most disgusting thing I have ever done.  12 blocks barefoot in chelsea, on the grimy NYC streets.  We finally reached his apartment.  It was a cute little mod place, very plain and very boring.  I put my bag down, sat down on his bed.  

me: im taking over this bed.

Z: thats fine

me: this dress sucks

he looked at me.  I unzipped and he pulled the thing right off of me.  He started to take his shirt off, and couldn't get the cufflinks.  Rip.  He just ripped it and broke the cufflink.  I remember kissing him, and then everything went black.  My first official blackout.  The rest was all up to imagination the next morning.

Sunday 9:07 am

I rolled over and saw him.  He was so cute. but so hairy.  I guess when you're 27 thats normal. ha.  he russled around. I looked under the covers, I had nothing on.  hmm. how was I supposed to make it to the bathroom from here.  I saw my underwear on the floor.  I had no idea what had happened in the hours previous.  I snatched my underwear and grabbed his shirt and made my way to the bathroom.  mirror. oh my god. my hair was still in place, a little off.  I ran back into the bed.  we kissed a little bit.  Neither of us remembered what had happened.  he was very polite and gave me a t-shirt and pants to wear home. He also gave me 20 bucks to take a cab.  We exchanged numbers and made plans for the next time I was home.  I texted him in the cab.  

me: i don't know if we had sex, but if we did I hope it was good.

Z: i was thinking the same thing. don't be a stranger.

I still wonder what happened that night.  It makes me want to find out if the sex was good.  if there was sex at all. he was a good kisser.  i guess we will have to wait until next time.

stay tuned for flashbacks. more sexcapades to come. <3.

The realization of me.

Friday. 8:37pm. hop on the 6 train downtown, transfer at union square for the L.

Its a lot warmer than I had expected. My ipod is essential, as well as my big headphones. It is the soundtrack of my life. Good song. Scanning the platform. pause. nice eyes, big blue eyes really dark hair. awkward hat from the 90's. eye contact. more eye contact. flirting with my eyes. who really cares though, this is the subway, and im on my way to williamsburg to meet a friend from high school. Well apparently he cares.  He came halfway across the platform just to get on the same car as me. how lovely. okay, now here's the important part. don't make it obvious. stand casually against the door, across from him, quick small glances. maybe a little quirky smile. well this will all end in a few minutes, my stop is next. turn around. smile. leave. strut your thing. walk confidently up the stairs and outside. he was cute. but hes gone.

wrong. i turn around as i pick up my phone to see him standing there. he followed me off the train. smile. giggle. and walk. he happens to be walking right next to me, as if we were traveling together. how nice. imagine. maybe hes someone important. we will have to wait to find out later. smile again. 

"what are you doing in brooklyn tonight?" he says, with a little hint of nerves in his voice.

"meeting a friend from boarding school. yourself?"

"going to this bar called speakeasy, then to some party for my friends band, you should join us."

"maybe i will, but first there is a blunt calling my name."

corner. pause. he asks for my number, he then proceeds to call me so that i have his. how interesting. im clearly thinking about him already as he leans in, puts his arm around me and kisses my cheek. i smile, wave and continue on my way. he was gorgeous. really tall. blue eyes. black hair. an odd sense of style. (but that can be dealt with later) he is the boy i dreamed of when i was little that way we would have kids with blue eyes no matter what. don't all little girls picture their dream husband? finally, I could see my friend across the street. hug it out.  we walked back to his apartment drank a brooklyn lager( it was gross and i hated it) smoked a little. all the while. this mystery train boy. lets call him L train. was texting me. 

me: ps. your gorgeous.

L train: right back at ya. am i going to see you.

me: im going to be brutally honest and tell you that i wanted to kiss you on the train.

L train: i felt the same way.

me: you should've kissed me.

L train: now ill make a point of doing it later when i see you.

This was all so crazy, I hadn't done something like this in over a year. how lame and boring had i really become. things like this give me a rush and i love it. my friend wanted to go eat so we left and walked to some small burger joint a few blocks away.  he wanted to go to another friends house at some party that sounded horrible. I couldn't get this boy from the L train out of my head and the lame party was not on my agenda.  We decided to split up, I would go meet this random stranger from the L train and my friend would go to his lame party and we would reconnect later. (or would we?) I texted L train.

me: where are you. what are you doing. im done here.

L train: about to walk to this party. meet me there.

me: is it far?

L train: no and it will be worth it.

mmm. incentive. would it really be worth it? (YES). I started walking, after my friend pointed me in the direction. a few minutes later, my friend saw me again i was walking in the opposite direction.  So finally after about 15 minutes of a far walk, quick batty smoke in the middle of a random brooklyn neighborhood. I was at the place he told me to be. But where was he? I waited. I texted him. he was on his way. Was this a horrible idea? no. it will all be fine. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. A feeling that had been absent for so long.  I looked up the street. I saw a kid I knew from long ago, that hated me. But don't worry the feeling was mutual, so I turned my head and texted L train.  He was almost here.  The butterflies intensified, and I could feel myself blushing.  It was now 10:45pm.  I saw him come around the corner.  There he was. That perfection. That random stranger from the L train.  We walked around the corner. There were kids everywhere, and bikes. There were lots of bikes everywhere.  We walked right in to this big hot sweaty room, everyone was drinking and dancing.  We walked to the DJ booth and they said their hellos.  I turned to my left and I thought I saw someone I knew. But it couldn't be him, what would he be doing here?  I found out later that the boy I saw was him. My ex boyfriend from several years back.  How odd.  Back to the party.  L train handed me a red cuyp and poured me a cup of Bacardi. no mixer. just bacardi. ewww. Bacardi is the worst rum ever. I drank it anyway, I felt the burn and loved it.  Blunt was lit and passed around.  We walked back down a few stairs and settled against a wall.  He pushed up against me. grabbed my neck. and kissed me.  I wish I could say it was the kiss I had been waiting for.  It surely wasn't.  It was a good kiss, but it was not a great kiss.  I hoped for something better but this is what I got, and I was going to make it work.  Drink drink drink. more more more. i could feel my head getting heavy.  The bacardi was kicking in.  We danced a little bit.  We went outside, got another dutch, some more liquor and as we returned to the party, the party was moving to the roof.  L train was drunk and happy and trying to be a slick little boy.  

" let's go smoke our own blunt on my roof."

me: sounds like a plan.

L train: okay then, lets go.

i smiled.  he said his goodbyes and we disapeared into brooklyn.  I came to find out he lived not far from me, and was still living at home with his parents. well maybe he had cool parents. oh well. i was in it to win it at this point.  we were walking. nothing looked familiar. we took a wrong turn. we were too distracted flirting, nudging, kissing.  we found some other train station and hopped on the train.  It was a J train. when we got to manhattan i got ansy, we left and hopped into a cab.   we got up to his block. bought beer and went into his building. it was sketchy. i felt like i was back in 9th grade. sneaking in. i took my shoes off and quietly ran into his room. the rest of the night was somewhat blurry. the sex was sloppy and not very memorable.  except for the bruise on my back.  we snuggled up to each other and fell asleep.  

9:45 am morning came around. my phone was dead. my mother was going to be so pissed. oops.  we had morning sex, and i left he liked me he said. we had plans for that night.  I had to attend a wedding first. i was excited. my dress was gorgeous and my shoes were better.  So we kissed, I snuck back out of his house and took a cab back to my house. yelling ensued.

stay tuned for the adventures of the wedding and saturday night. 

p.s. it turned out much better than friday. 

How to reinvent yourself, this is the beginning

I remember when i was the girl who didn't care about anyone or anything, i was doing my thing and you were more than welcome to join me. Things changed, college happened (I'm still here) and i realized that i was no longer who i felt like i was or who i wanted to be. i missed the old me. and bitches, i reinvented myself, brought myself back to the good days, the fun days, the crazy days. 

There are no steps to reinventing yourself, only goals. 

Goal #1 make a point of looking hot every single day, don't leave until you're satisfied that you are going to make heads turn when you walk down the street. 

Goal #2 do something different, haircut, piercing, hair color, change your style.  Do something outrageous that you "don't think you can pull off", chances are you can you're just too much of a p*ssy to do it.

Goal #3 eye sex, flirting. get a guy's head to turn, make him want to know more about you. don't give it all away at once, don't seem too interested. trains are the best place to do this, aka the subway. there's always the nervous rush and chance that you'll never see the person again. 

more to come soon...